Where am I going?

So, so you made a lot of mistakes
Walked down the road a little sideways
Cracked a brick when you hit the wall
Yeah, you've had a pocket full of regrets
Pull you down faster than a sunset
Hey, it happens to us all

When the cold hard rain just won't quit
And you can't see your way out of it

You find your faith has been lost and shaken
You take back what's been taken
Get on your knees and dig down deep
You can do what you think is impossible
Keep on believing, don't give in
It'll come and make you whole again
It always will, it always does
Love is unstoppable

Love, it can weather any storm
Bring you back to being born again
oh, it's a helping hand when you need it most
A lighthouse shinning on the coast
That never goes dim

When your heart is full of doubt
And you think that there's no way out

Like a river keeps on rolling
Like the north wind blowing
Don't it feel good knowing
Yeah

Love is unstoppable
So you made a lot of mistakes
Walked down the road a little sideways
Love, love is unstoppable

Dizzy.

That’s how you feel when you run into a significant other you haven’t seen in a long time. A bitter avalanche of icy memories plows into your chest at breakneck speed, stealing the very breath from your lungs. Gasping for air, there’s really no use fighting it; the blow is instantaneous and it’s overpowering. Your eyes land on this person, your heart immediately stops dead, your knees go weak and you internally panic. You force yourself to walk over, but before either of you say hello, you’ve already got an endless amount of things you secretly want to say and an equally lengthy list of questions you wish you could ask.

What affection the two of you once shared was absolutely beautiful, consequently rendering any unanticipated meetings thereafter twice as awkward. But as everyone always reminded you, life has a way of operating, God has a mysterious way of working, and sometimes things change without a moment’s warning. Even after it was all said and done, it’s still hard to imagine how things could’ve ever evolved from “always” to “never” in what seemed like a single dramatic heartbeat.

Months and months later, you run into this particular person unexpectedly and the realization hits you like a brick wall. The pain is still there. It’s almost as painful as the night you said goodbye. Enough time has passed to con you into thinking you’ve begun to heal, and of course you probably have, but then you see this person and suddenly those old familiar aches begin to hurt all over again. You were finally beginning to mend after what happened, the relationship withered and ended, however dramatically, but the moment you lock eyes with this person you once shared so many dreams with, your stomach turns and a bitter taste fills your mouth. You can barely breathe. Half of you aches for things to be the way they once were, the other half longs to forget the whole thing ever happened. Regardless of your role in the conclusion of the relationship, it left you shattered and bringing it up after all this time would only pour another dose of potent heartbreak for both of you.

So there you are, standing face-to-face, unsure of what to say aside from the typical small talk jabber. A myriad of emotions swirl through both your heads but they only make former lovers more confused. Maybe you hug an awkward I-haven’t-seen-you-in-forever gesture, but that familiar mixed scent of perfume and cologne makes it even more impossible to know how to act, brief as the impending conversation inevitably will be. You just can’t stop thinking “things will never be the way they used to be” and that’s what hurts most. You both know where your identities lie, Who ultimately claims your hearts and where your fortresses are… and those things are truly what matter most, but this unforeseen meeting is still severely painful and there’s no denying that. It keeps you both awake for nights.

How true.

7 days a week

Every pressurized system needs a relief valve. There has to be a way to reduce the stress, the tension, before it becomes too much to bare. There has to be a way to find relief because if the pressure doesn't find a way out, it will make one. It will explode. It's the pressure we put on ourselves that's the hardest to bare. The pressure to be better then we already are. The pressure to be better than we think we can be. It never ever lets up. It just builds and builds and builds.

The sun is so unforgiving and the wind so hard to stand

No explanation. No apology.

Please let me wash away the memory, take breath back and wiped away the tears. Please let me have a reason to prove everything wrong.



You see the struggle on my face, You see it storming in my eye, You see it heavy on my shoulder, You see me swaying on the line.
Bring on the troubles of the morning and the stories of my life, look up above the clouds are forming and I'm not gonna hide
Let it rain on me, Let my shelter crumble down, Take it all away, Don't need no one to save me now, I'm gonna let my body drown and keep my head above the water, Let it rain on me, let it rain on me...
I'm not getting any younger, I took the longer road but I know it's made me stronger out here on my ow.
Bring on the troubles of the morning and the stories of my life, look up above the clouds are forming and I'm not gonna hide
Let it rain on me, Let my shelter crumble down, Take it all away, Don't need no one to save me now, I'm gonna let my body drown and keep my head above the water, Let it rain on me, let it rain on me...
And like a single ray of light. It can pierce the darkest night, I was meant to make it through
So let the future crash on me and let the water set me free. Nobody wins before they lose
Let it rain on me, Let my shelter crumble down, Take it all away, Don't need no one to save me now, I'm gonna let my body drown and keep my head above the water, Let it rain on me, let it rain on me...

Traumatized

Last week have been a whirlwind of emotions.

I have been absolutely angry at myself for many many things and I have cried (which I usually don't]. That day was my longest ride home. From the moment I got into my car, I was sobbing so hard. I couldn't make it stop, the bigfattears just kept flowing down. To the point, I had to hide in my bathroom. I have to admit that this job really is a roller coaster ride. You're constantly speeding up to the highest and dropping down to the lowest point. I really need to get used to the high and lows.

Looking on the brighter side, I have learnt an incredible amount of knowledge the past few months. No matter how socially retard I am, I don't care. No matter how tired I am, I don't care. No matter how early I need to get up, or how much coffee I need to drink, I don't care. No matter how many shitstorms I need to take in, I don't care. I'm living, breathing and enjoying life day by day. I am still very excited where this journey will take me.

- Eventually the pain will go away, the shock will wear off. And you start to heal yourself; to recover from something you never saw coming. But, sometimes the odds are in your favor. If you're in just the right place as just the right time, you can take a helluva hit and still have a shot at surviving.

All the thunder clouds ahead will pass very soon. I hope they don't kick me out of the game just because I was traumatized.

This is how it rolls in the industry. Note to self: "Just remember to keep working towards your goals - because one day they will be a light at the end of the tunnel and you'll eventually reach it. Not only exhausted but you know you've played the game right by riding the experience."

Live and learn

When we say things like "people don't change" it drives scientist crazy because change is literally the only constant in all of science. Energy. Matter. It's always changing, morphing, merging, growing, dying. It's the way people try not to change that's unnatural. The way we cling to what things were instead of letting things be what they are. The way we cling to old memories instead of forming new ones. The way we insist on believing despite every scientific indication that anything in this lifetime is permanent. Change is constant. How we experience change that's up to us. It can feel like death or it can feel like a second chance at life. If we open our fingers, loosen our grips, go with it, it can feel like pure adrenaline. Like at any moment we can have another chance at life. Like at any moment, we can be born all over again.

McSteamy and McDreamy is back! Watch Grey's Anatomy every Thursday at 9|8c on ABC.

Why am I laughing during the day, and crying myself to sleep at night. Why!

Wild target, hot mess.

If they can guess who is MisterBlueSky. I'll buy them lunch for a week!

This week special:

This song is so stuck in my head, "Hey, it's okay. We gotta live for a better day. Now we give a little a love and we're on our way. Kita kaotim everything, parava-illay!"

Is Malaysia getting you down? Tired of those traffic jams and flash floods? Tired of listening to those same old talking heads and their slogans? Feeling like you want to just throw in the towel and give up?
Well we at That Effing Show have something to say. That it's all fine. That it's okay. Kita sudah kautim. Paravaillay.

Because we are the world. We are the children. We are the all singing all dancing machas. And we're back. This time, we have horns! We have trumpets! We are higher and fi-er than ever before. Heck, we even scored ourselves a special musical guest star. Check it.

Zedeck looking hot; Azmly Yunor, my lecturer rocks!

Looking for the sparks?

I found this in my old junk:

"You will never forget your first love. That’s what makes it so special. You love so hard, so deeply, and so intensely because you don’t know any different. It’s the best until it is over. Then you hurt like you’ve never been hurt before. Eventually you’ll love again, but you love differently. You will love more carefully, more cautiously.”

When you step out to face that creature, you will step out on your own.

Ems FML Wednesday:-
Because higher tech phones are tricky bastards; my mum went on loud speaker when I was in the meeting. A meeting with big bosses and fellow colleagues.

Ems FML Friday:-
After collecting my print out, la di da! I was so into the visual. I didn't know I was walking off the stairs and boom! I fell down. Painful sial, my ankle still hurts a little.

Laugh away. I never quite know how to react to situations like this.



Lesson of the week: Sugar coated everything and backstabbers-alert mode on.

It’s so awful and unethical. It is really unnecessary to make remarks of others in the Red Queen's court. I believe before you scream, "off with your heads!", one needs to see things from another perspective. There’s still always a way to turn bad outcomes around. There is no need to be so two-faced and callous. They are like the Jabberwock, with eyes aflame, jaws that bait and wicked claws that catch. Seriously, there isn't even a handful of good, true friends anymore. I have no idea who to trust and talk to. I need to beware of the Jabberwock-ies!

It's not the same.

Today is your birthday, S.

Nine years. meh. I don't miss you as much as I used to. It is a damn good sign.

*edited*

OH MY GOD! I didn't expect to see you today!!!!!! I haven't seen you for 7 years; and I don't have the courage to walk up to say hi, and look you in the eyes again. Because I know if I did, I'm going to be back to square one. All messed up again.